I’ve never been scared of change, I quite like it actually, I’m easily bored. Fear of the unknown used to be an adventure but as life has battered me so to have I become a bit apprehensive. Fear of the unknown though shouldn’t exist. The unknown doesn’t exist. God has always been and always will be and he has known us and our paths from the moment we were conceived. So I may not know what’s round the corner, whether I go back to uni for a year or three, whether I am healed (or rather when) but God does.
This by no means means that I don’t have free will. That the world is just a puppet show to keep God amused it’s that God knows me better than anyone, he knows my heart, he knows the obstacles I will face and he knows by my nature how I will deal with them.
I am really looking forward to going back to uni, to be back learning, to have more purpose again but I’ve also started to be plagued by small anxiety attacks. I can’t predict when they’ll hit and I haven’t had them for a while. I don’t think it’s truly fear of the unknown although there is an aspect of anticipation that my physical condition will deteriorate to some degree. It’s more the memory, the echo of a time passed of depression and fear that I had no control over.
Yes this anxiety keeps rearing it’s head and my Revelation this week that there is no unknown will take time to truly embed, to trust, to fully believe and as it comes the attacks of the enemy will become weaker, less frequent as they lose their hold on me. Not only does God know my path, the obstacles I will face and the pain I shall endure, he is Mighty and All powerful and he is on my side walking each step with me, holding my hand, comforting me letting me lean on him. I am not alone, nothing has the power to stop me fulfilling my God given purpose in life and as I learn to trust, to hope again and have faith my strength increases. So many people will tell you to ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ and this is true I have followed this a lot in my life so far (partly because at one time fear lurked around every corner and I would have got nothing done if I had not) but as a Christian I can take this further. I’m not saying I will never again be scared again but as I learn to trust in the Lord there will be no need to fear as he has already won.
Sunday morning my body was sucking the life out of me (people with Fibro think Harry Potter Dementor kind of draining am I right?) but by the time I left church and my lovely supporting family there prayed for me I felt stronger, not less tired, not in less pain but stronger in the truth that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am going back to uni no longer striving for purpose, as my worth is in God alone, regardless of my actions and I have the power of the Holy Spirit within me. Later when I helped with our Youth group God was really working and one of our beautiful, inspiring young girls (she knows who she is) reminded us of a song, the lyrics of which I will use as a mantra when the anxiety and darkness tries to squash me.