It’s been my aim that this blog won’t be about moaning. Yes I want to highlight the difficulties faced by people with Fibro, to spread the news about ‘invisible illnesses’ and hopefully encourage people in their faith or introduce them to God. It’s been 11 days since I last posted because I don’t want to just write for the sake of it. You know, today I was knackered, yesterday I was knackered, didn’t do much blah blah blah. So when a friend enquires about my blog I joke that I’ve had no spiritual epiphanies to impart this week. This is exactly what I said yesterday at our women’s breakfast at church. I almost want this blog not to be from me, yes I am writing it, but I only want to share what God has put on my heart to share.
So about half an hour later my epiphany came (phew thank goodness for that). We watched a prophetic message by Nate Johnson an Australian Christian about being lifted up. That the enemy is a terrorist in the cockpit (mind) of our plane and he’s trying to bring us down. So here came the lightbulb moment.
This time last year I had to get to a place where I was ok with being ill, taking a break and the possibility of having to let uni (the culmination of 7 years of work and many more to follow) go. I needed to do this because I had put all my value into it. I didn’t know who I was without it. I believed that I had absolutely no value as a person if I could not work, if I couldn’t provide, help people. Who would want to be friends with that person, marry them even, have anything to do with them. I had taken on all the rejections by friends over years and years as a truth that I wasn’t worthy, I was unlovable. The only time I felt I was appreciated and admired was when I did well in my study and when I was working, therefore if I was physically unable to do it I was nothing.
This is when I learnt the truth. Read all of Psalm 139 if you can but in his Word verses 13-14 stood out.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I have worth because I am a child of God. He loved me as he made me. I hadn’t earned this love, I wasn’t born yet, it is unconditional.
So I have spent this year beginning to find myself separate from anything I am doing slowly trying to learn this truth.
Unfortunately even this wonderful truth can be used by the enemy. He takes every opportunity and can be very stealthy. So in this time I was becoming ok with always being ill. It is by no means what I want but I convinced myself that God knows that I want to be healed, I’ve asked many times, so I don’t want to keep bugging him and get on his nerves. There’s a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3) so he’ll heal me if and when he wants to. So even these truths that we find in God’s Word had been twisted in my mind. I want to go back to uni and be a vet but I was becoming ok with maybe that’s not his plan and I’ll finish next year with a degree and do something else. Which IS ok and I want to follow his plans and not fight against him. But…
The problem is I’ve become passive. So scared of hoping in case another crashing disappointment finishes me off. It’s the same as inevitably becoming cowed by pain. All these lies and disappointments had me cowering submissively desperate to be happy with my circumstances. Obviously it’s good to be grateful for what you have but I had lost all of my fight almost without realising it. Now people who know me know that I am not a passive, roll over and play dead person. Or I never used to be. If you tell me I can’t do something I will prove you wrong! Slowly that’s been worn away, there’s no fight because I’m too scared to lose and that is not who God made me to be, it’s a lie.
This has partially happened because this takes energy and my fellow fibronites will know all too well how lacking that is even when you’ve first opened your eyes in the morning.
But knowledge is power and now my eyes are opened to what’s happened I am not having it! I WILL be a vet and I WILL be healed and I will, I will, I will… do whatever I set my mind to. I can’t do it in my own strength but I can do it with Gods. I realised that I was desperately flapping my wings trying to keep myself going, level, to stop myself plummeting to the ground but If I still my wings I can let the undercurrent of Gods strength catch my wings and I will soar to greater heights. It’s not over yet.
Often the battlefield is not out there it’s in our minds. So stop and take a minute to evaluate where you are. Has the enemy been whispering lies in your ear without you noticing?