So I’ve been back at uni for one week and I’m still alive. I’m exhausted and sore but alive. I was ready to come back, I’ve missed learning and want to live again. I’ve had enough of just sitting existing from day-to-day. Sunday was hard, leaving the dogs and leaving Nan (though I’m not sure she understands where I am) and I had a good cry. I think I was just scared of being alone, being depressed again but I know I need to feel my emotions so I had a good sob. We had three full days of team-building exercises and I yo-yo between feeling full of hope, that I can do this, I can manage this and feeling full of despair because I’m so tired I’m in so much pain and this isn’t possible.
The first day I woke up really early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I was so tired I just wanted to do what was necessary to get ready but I stopped and thought about it. It wasn’t going to be a very good start if I threw everything I’ve learnt in the past two years out the window in day one. So I sat down and opened my Bible study guide (I thought ‘ uninvited – living loved when you feel less than, left out, and lonely’ was a suitable guide to prepare me for coming back). I need God in this. I know I can’t do this by myself, it’s not possible. I need to look to him in every situation, lean on him, draw my strength and my energy from him. And I did.
So why was I on this roller-coaster keep dipping into despair. Still scared of the pain, fatigue as we’ve discussed before and I’m scared that maybe this isn’t path that God has planned out for me I’m just putting what I want first and it’s not going to work. I desperately want to be where he wants me to be and I desperately want to be okay with where that is both physically and in my journey. I can cope with pain, the exhaustion, if it’s for a reason, if there’s light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m scared that it’s needless pain and exhaustion caused by me trying to breakdown a door that is been firmly shut for a reason. I just want him to tell me ‘keep going, you’re heading in the right direction’. That’s all I want. That’s all I feel I need. But where’s the trust. I’m just struggling because although I know God keeps his promises, promises in his Bible of healing, not everyone is healed, so maybe those promises don’t actually apply to me and I’m trying to be okay with that.
But I’m not sure that’s the case either. I suppose I can’t face the thought of being disappointed but if I truly have faith it should carry me to the end. My blog posts have been few and far between these last few months. Yes I’ve been busy, looking after my Nan and getting ready to come back to university. I feel like I’ve been so busy that I haven’t been able to hear from God. I’m also not confident of being sure when something is from him. If someone says directly I have a word for you then that’s okay when someone has a word they don’t know who it’s for and it applies to me or I hear something that resonates with me I’m scared to claim it’s from God in case it’s not, in case it’s not true at all. Not because I don’t want to look stupid if it’s wrong but I want more of him and less of me. There are plenty of people that claim there actions and behaviour are what God wants them to do and that’s simply not the case. When I first became a Christian I kept seeing opportunities where I thought it would be good for God to heal me, and he didn’t. Every time there was a prayer meeting, or some event church, I would think ‘ I’m going to come out of here healed’. I realised I needed to stop putting my timing on him and telling him what do, to go with the flow, to learn and listen and wait because his timing is always right.
So a month or so ago when a general word was given I was nervous to claim it as I was so desperate for it to be true. It was Revelation 3:8 ”I know your works. Behold, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut.’ I was too scared to hope but I prayed for discernment and I feel like when I’m in the vet clinic it just feels right and I hope that is God telling me to keep going but that still says nothing about my physical state, though it’s got to be improved enough to be able to cope surely.
And then we come to the last few weeks. The lady I see for acupuncture and other help with my health (seeing as the Doctors don’t really want to help me) told me that she truly feels like we have broken down the wall that was my illness that had been labelled with Fibromyalgia and that I was a lot better. That I probably wouldn’t really realise I was better until I was 90% there and yes I still fell exhausted and in pain but just think of it like ‘the wall is down’ and those feelings are just me clearing out the rubble, tidying up till I’m properly well. Then at my last worship and prayer meeting at my church before I left for uni there were two things. A good friend of mine saw me as a lantern burning brightly, shining the way for others and God saying ‘my work is done here’, that I am filled with his Spirit and am shining out his Glory. Another lady in our church then stood up with a passage she thought was for all of us.
It was Song of Solomon 2:10-13
‘My beloved speaks and says to me:
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
11 for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone.
12 The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
13 The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away.
I know that God called Samuel several times before he knew it was him so I am choosing to as he did. I felt this last time he had to be talking to me, calling me trying to tell me something so I say ‘Speak, for you servant hears’ (1 Samuel 3:10).
I pray I am done living in uncertainty, anxiety and lies. I will still try and pace myself and take each day as it comes but I WILL live in these promises and trust in his Goodness and his Love.
P.S. And I give everyone permission to throw something at me or give me a slap if I don’t