I’m Still Alive But Struggling

I know I haven’t written for quite a while and I’m not going to now, not really.

This blog is one of hope, of the guiding light of Jesus and it is prompted by God, not me but it is also a real look into a life with Fibromylagia.

I’m struggling. I have been for a month or so now. I’ve become more and more tired and my pain levels have crept back up. On Christmas Eve I sat in a scolding bath sobbing that I couldn’t do this any more. I’ve sat rocking back and forth with the urge to bang my head against the wall trying to escape the pain, trying to claw at my skin to get out of my body feeling like I’m suffocating and drowning in despair.

The pain, fear, anger, loneliness, guilt felt like a poison trapped in me and I hope I’ve managed to cry it all out now.

I’ve felt like a failure physically, mentally and spiritually – unable to pray, or hear God, begging for guidance and feeling alone and guilty that my despair must be a lack of trust in Him and his plan.

I have fallen from a place where I was so grounded in my faith and I’m not entirely sure how or when it happened.

But I am alive and I do still have my faith though it may be small and frail.

I am reminded of a past post ‘It’s ok not to be ok’ and I’m inclined to sit and read through my blog from the beginning to see how far I’ve come and how much God has taught me.

So that’s it. I’m alive. I’m sorry for the drought and I hope God will allow me to continue in my writing in the future.

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